son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY