Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

sliding into dms like

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

10/10 no notes

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

me when i see my girls butt

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.