Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

i hope my email finds you on fire

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming