Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
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ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea