Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
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Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”