Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Selfie