Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh