son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.