Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
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[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
A friend sent me this.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Why soy sad?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Very good! 👍😂
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
pat pat