Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
wow he looks just like him
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
