Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I didn’t know they can drive…
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
black phone good
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
