Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
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Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
you know what ruined my childhood? children
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?