Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
