Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Good advice.

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]