Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.