Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who wants to go expliring

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname