Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Meat Cute

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…