Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😬

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’