Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

jesus christ confetti not now

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.