Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*