Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.