Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky