Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

This did not end as expected.

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

they should create new variants of dopamine

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.