Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened