Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
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He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
me irl
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.