SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
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The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
how to exercise your calf muscles
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??