Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
