Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille