Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

*serious situation*

My brain:

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher