Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.