Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Okay

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

o shit

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now