SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

You Might Also Like


Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien


When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?


I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.


Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.


The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.


The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.


No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.


Conviction is sexy. Why do you think so many prisoners get marriage proposals?


I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.