@ericsshadow

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

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@BGH70

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

@QueenofSparta

Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
Him: No
NSA agent: No

@mlkef

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

@upsheezy

“Walk it off” does not apply to everything.

Stupidity, for example.

You’re not walking that shit off unless it’s in to oncoming traffic

@Bob_Janke

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

@TheToddWilliams

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

@UnFitz

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

@rad_milk

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good