SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
me hitting on a model
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Skills
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.