When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
NSA agent: No
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
“Walk it off” does not apply to everything.
Stupidity, for example.
You’re not walking that shit off unless it’s in to oncoming traffic
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good