Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

presenting your incognito window wrapped

😭😭

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack