Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
📽️movie date🎞️
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger