Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
You Might Also Like
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
A man of commitment.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions