Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
good work, detective
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
crying
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101