Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants