Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry