If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
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Someone asked me what my most attractive quality is and I just said lasagna
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
H: I don’t understand what goes on in your head.
Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this.
H: No, we’re good.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Pro: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.
Con: Learning another language increases your ability to communicate with more people.
When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.