Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
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First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?