Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

A recipe for laughter

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.