Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb