Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”