Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

this is 10/10 content no notes

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Me buying fruit and veg

Me too door. Me too.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you