Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
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Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
marvel comics have peaked
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.