Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

When you “pspspsp” too hard

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.