Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar