SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
You Might Also Like
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
absolute chaos
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.