Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.