son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
You Might Also Like
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Ooops wrong house😂😜
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
#Caturday
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono