Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.