Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Some people were born into their job.

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.