Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

🫡

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.