son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
That lamp looks PISSED.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.