Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.