Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell

TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?

Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?