Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

Trumpy Cat

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.