Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a retired miner?

Doug

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right