Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

This pepper has seen some shit

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?