Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!