Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.