Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

😂

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?