Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

My love language is deader than Latin

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.