SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
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I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
😼🖥️
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”