Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

good let them take over I have had enough

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

Found my door mat

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?