Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better