Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
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I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny