Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

time machine? you mean a clock?

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.